I have this recurring theme that weaves through each chapter of my life: I can’t keep my big mouth shut and then something happens. It always starts off innocently enough. But then, before you know it, I’m married. Or arrested. Or in a band. Trust me, I’m just as bewildered as the husband, the cops, and the guitarist. And the audiences for all three.

I’ve learned to go with it though. What other choice do I have? I mean, what is that quote: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end?” It reminds me of that other cheeky quote where we always find things in the last place we look. Both quotes seem to just throw their hands up in the air and say “I dunno, just keep going?” Either way, things have worked out pretty well for me, and yet somehow I’ve managed to lose things over and over again after finding them (like my dignity, my pride, my will to adopt healthier eating habits).

So a few months ago I found myself walking into a meeting innocently enough. I smile, make small talk, settle in. Pleasantries are exchanged, introductions made, agendas disseminated. Points are made, questions are raised, discussions unfold. Not my first rodeo, I’ve got this. I even managed to snarf down some snacks. Meeting ends, goodbyes are exchanged, people disperse.

Unbeknownst to me, I did it again. I opened my big fat mouth. Again. A colleague I worked closely with over the years at my previous job used to tell me that I see the bigger picture and identify patterns quickly in a way that allows for strategic planning. I told her I just make shit up. I’m coming to realize both things can be true at the same time.

Because I walked into a room thinking only that I could help on someone’s political campaign. I offered to do “chief of staff” duties if she was elected—you know, advising on strategy, helping with priorities and scheduling, working on things behind the scenes, addressing constituents’ issues, building alliances. I walk out of the meeting and am promoted to campaign manager. I was kindly told the next day.

Story of my life. So I go with it. I get to know roles and personalities, and goals. I learn the lingo and the rules and the context. But see, as important as the details are, that’s not what drives me. It’s the macro, the bigger picture, that sings to me. That’s the organism that has life and power and energy. You can swap out the details, names, and buzzwords, and the dynamics of groups, systems, and programs all remain familiar.

So I get to work. Making lists, asking questions, suggesting SOPs. “What’s an SOP?” someone asks innocently enough. I just about, well I actually literally, jumped up and down a little excitedly. “StandardOperatingProcedures!!!” I blurt out. “I’ll write them! I’ll write them ALL!”

How is it possible people have gone through their lives not appreciating the beauty and simplicity of Standard Operating Procedures? How do you ensure continuity of operations? How do you onboard people efficiently and uniformly? How do you ensure quality and consistency of work? How do you identify pain points or errors? How do you maintain effective systems and processes for institutional knowledge? WITHOUT STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES?

No matter, I’m on it! I reorganize all the documents, old and new. I frame out operations and tasks. I salivate at the thought of all the reports that can be pulled. I identify data points and the metrics to analyze said data. I create new tasks and procedures to maximize what we are capable of and to amplify the core values of this candidate.

I do all this because I know what happens with good intentions and best laid plans. Without the structure and accountability, balls drop and candidates lose. There’s usually no scandal, but this helps avoid that too.

And I realize I am in all my glory. I text my old colleague, “I miss it. I was so good at it. I miss doing this. I miss feeling alive.” I miss creating programs. Creating teams. Creating processes. Making order out of chaos. Staying on task. Managing projects and multiple balls in the air. Getting shit done. I thought I disliked what I thought was drudgery in my career. Turns out I loved what I did, and I was really good at it. Even when I make shit up. Who knew?

So I started offering these consultation services: helping other people with both program and evaluation development to grow their businesses; identifying problems or places for improvement and fixing them; being creative, impactful, and accountable. I realized if I loved what I did, why not do more of it? I mean, moderation was never my strong suit after all.

What’s that other quote? The one where you don’t miss something until it’s gone? Yeah, I never would have guessed this is how I would discover what I love to do. How much joy it brings me. To be useful and impactful in this purpose. I might need to make a habit of opening my big fat mouth more. Although if you know me, you know I’ve already done that again by the time this essay ends.

Tell me, how have you discovered what you love to do?