“Forget the Fear, Worry About the Addiction”–Trapeze School of NY

Posted on November 15, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

I recently went to my second flying trapeze class. Let me set the stage for you. I am deathly afraid of heights. And I’m neither flexible nor athletic. I can’t even do a forward roll or cartwheel–these aren’t skills I’ve lost: my body just doesn’t move that way. So why did I sign up the first time? Have I mentioned I don’t always make the wisest decisions? It just struck me as a good idea at the time. When I got there, and realized some sort of gymnastics and courage would be involved, I quickly realized it was not one of my better decisions. However, I am also very frugal. This class was not cheap and I’d already paid for it. So up the ladder I go. Good God, it’s a small platform; and 23 feet up is very, very high, and there’s only one way down. I am not a daredevil nor adrenaline junkie. So for two hours my heart was stuck in my throat as I flew. Most. Amazing. Experience. Ever. Knowing I could do it, and I did! So empowering. It felt good. I felt strong. I felt fierce. Made for a good story and that was that.

Two years later I decided on a whim it’s time to go again. This time, the bug has bitten me and I’m addicted: to knowing that at each point, there is measurable success in order to execute each trick. There is skill, technique, and timing to master. The success of a knee hang catch is indescribable.

My friends say I am brave and courageous to fling myself off that high platform. I believe the courage is not in the physical aspect of it, but as is true in most things in life, it’s all mental. The courage is in believing the lovely (and hopefully strong) person on the platform will not let go of me as I lean all the way out over the edge to grab the bar. The trust is in believing the man on the catch trap will actually really catch me, and that he thought I was a funny and kind soul who deserves to live. But mostly, the trust is in myself. Knowing I can, and will, do this. Trusting in myself is a new concept for me. For a long time, I’ve believed I could not, and should not, be trusted.  Again, I am not widely known for my sound and wise decisions. When you’re flying through the air, you have to get out of your head, and in those seconds, live only in your gut and heart to be successful. You  have to trust yourself at such a base level. That is courage.

I’ve also noticed I’ve been a lot more open to trying new things the past few years. I’ve been open to learning how to do random things on a whim–why not, I ask myself. Bet I can, I tell myself. I may not be great at it, but bet I can. Flight lessons! Belly dancing! Drums! Running races! Other random activities! (Watch out–target shooting range next month: duck and cover, folks! You’ve been warned.) I am open to trying anything, and open to failing at it all, as well as open to succeeding. That is courage.

I’ve also been more open to people–activities with people I am getting to know, meeting new people, really connecting with people, possibly being judged or rejected by people. I’ve been open to being more flexible and spontaneous, and open to possible scheduling conflicts or disasters. And I find life is so much easier. Not easy as in simple and uncomplicated and void of problems. But easy as in flowy and organic and well, I don’t quite know how to describe it. But I know each time I interact with the world now in this way–in reaching out to a person, or reaching out for a trapeze bar (literal or symbolic), I am reinforcing for myself that I trust people, and I trust myself. That in the end, everything will work out, and that I’ll  be OK, bumps and scratches and sore muscles and bad decisions and all. Jump, and the net will appear.

Posted in Empowerment, Meditation, Mindfulness | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

One Lovely Blog Award Nomination!

Posted on November 7, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

I am so humbled and grateful to be nominated for a One Lovely Blog Award by the witty, authentic and prolific blogger You’re Just a Dumb Ass–thank you so much!!! It is amazing to be part of such a supportive community. So the rules are to: 1) thank the person who gave it to me (check!), 2) share 7 possible things that are unknown about me,  3) nominate 15 bloggers, and 4) notify the nominees of their nomination.

So for the 7 things about me, I’m going to turn this around a little. I’m asking you readers to post in the Comments section something you know about me. We’ll see if each of you unconnected readers can paint a picture of me through each other!

As for nominating 15 bloggers, here goes (in no particular order), and enjoy!

http://sweetlittlethang.wordpress.com/

http://thewildwomanwithin.wordpress.com/

http://www.101cookbooks.com/

http://mommyverbs.wordpress.com/

http://www.austinkleon.com/blog/

http://momastery.com/blog/

http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

http://smittenkitchen.com/

http://melodygodfred.com/

http://tinybuddha.com/blog-posts/

http://onethousandsingledays.com/

http://igamemom.wordpress.com/

http://mindofandy.wordpress.com/

http://betweenfearandlove.com/

http://cristianmihai.net/

Special shout-out again to You’re Just A Dumb Ass (I just really like saying that legitimately)! Thank you again, and keep blogging, writing authentically and sharing your vulnerabilities!

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Flawed & Fabulous

Posted on November 5, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

So I’ve followed this fabulous woman for a while now–through her blog, not in a stalking sort of way. I find her authenticity and vulnerability so refreshing, so genuine. And she makes me laugh so hard I always pee a little in my pants. Though since having two  kids, that threshold is fairly low. If you don’t follow her blog, you should. She’s become huge these days. She posted this recently:
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/11/05/kid-dom/

You must read her post “Kid-dom” before you finish reading my post below.

No, no, go ahead. I’ll wait.

Really, mine won’t make sense until you read it. Do this NOW please.

So there are a few things about her post that I love. It reminds me of putting down the shame we all carry in some fashion. And I love the reminder of  “Wow, that was almost bad!” and how pure and innocent and REAL childhood is.

And her post got me thinking: I’ve noticed that I’m now not only more open to adults and friends and the world, but to my kids as well. To show them I am real. And flawed. And funny. And stupid. And just like everyone else. To show them there is no shame in making mistakes, in making unwise decisions, in being who I am. (Trust me, this lesson is not easy to come by.)

But I’m also sharing much more of who I am to people mostly because people tend to think I’ve got it so put together–like that blog post says–if I make my outsides look perfect and effortless, of course it goes without saying that my insides are perfect too. I laughed because as I read her post, I looked down, and I have the scarf and jewelry on. Right. Now. I share my insides to people now not only to connect with them, but to normalize the imperfect nature of who we are. That we all struggle with the same hard things in life. Families, work, relationships, how we look, how clean our houses are. That we shouldn’t strive for perfection.

Today my insides include a lot of what the world would call failures. I  was recently confessing to a friend that divorce can feel like a failure sometimes. People accuse you of not trying hard enough, not taking vows seriously. People thrust judgments upon you. Me. The royal You…I’m not in a committed relationship and it feels like I am being judged. And in some moments, I believe them. So yes, I’m messy. I failed at marriage, and turns out I’m not doing so hot in the dating scene either.  Old behaviors keep popping up, but I’ll save that for another day! But on my good days I know I am not a failure. On my bad days – ugh! But really, I know I’m not a failure. I’m just complex and complicated and messy. Like life.

It takes courage to throw your arms wide open and announce “Here I am in all my failed glory! And I’m fabulous!” It becomes easier, and less scary, when you’re not the only one out there doing that. Which is why I try to be my authentically flawed self to the world now, because we are all so beautiful in our quirks. Not acknowledging these quirks does not make them non-existent. It just makes it harder for us to embrace each other.

I’m spending the rest of my day without my scarf.

Posted in Meditation, Mindfulness | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Binders Full of Men

Posted on October 17, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

I see Romney’s Binders of Women, and I raise him a Spreadsheet of Men. Sadly, so far none are qualified. I need to reach out to Men’s groups and ask them to compile binders of qualified men. Surely, they must be out there. I have yet to encounter any. There have been a lot of conversations, emails and texts. Some end right after they begin. Others fade off with mutual disinterest. Some have been interesting enough to warrant a few hours and a cute outfit to meet for an actual, bona fide, live date. Here are just a few highlights:

-A date and premature birthday present from a misogynistic, self-centered anorexic
-A JDate profile that yielded only 7 remotely eligible guys (note: I am Christian, and have not converted, and have no plans to convert. This was upon advice from a friend–you know which one you are)
-A conversation about how beautiful a candidate thinks I am, and then he had to go make a chuck roast
-Another candidate’s desire to make me the center of his universe as he would like to stare into my eyes for the rest of his life, but he’s only looking for casual dating
-Double-digit requests for one-night stands
-A swinger who won’t stop messaging me, and he thinks if he reminds me that I don’t have to touch his wife then I ought to be on board with this situation
-No fewer than 5 last minute cancellations/getting stood up
-A ticket to speed dating. Yes, you have to BUY a ticket for this. But wait. It gets better. It’s at…wait for it… TGI Fridays (Friend: you also know who you are)
-A guy who randomly texts me every few weeks to ask me out, then disappears. He has not acknowledged my non-responses are in fact responses
-A couple queries from bisexual men who really think that’s a turn-on for me
-A query from an out of shape 50+ year-old man whose online name is “subservient” and he likes to include several submissive and scantily clad photos. My eyes are still burning a little from the bleach I grabbed to wash the image from my brain

Perhaps I need to enlist Big Bird’s help before he gets laid off.

Posted in Dating, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Monster Within

Posted on September 24, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

I try to raise civilized human beings. Really I do. But seems there are days when my kids are sort of mini-monsters, and I’m a not-so-mini-monster. Those days really challenge me.

I teach my kids that it’s not acceptable to say or do something mean to someone, simply because “he started it”. Because someone else did something wrong or inappropriate or hurtful first does not justify retaliation.  As in, you shouldn’t punch your sister in the head simply because she pinched you first. Please don’t shove your brother down the stairs again because he ratted you out. I am trying to teach them more effective coping skills (namely, ones that don’t have the potential for trips to the ER). After all, doesn’t the more mature, evolved person take the high road, rise above the fray?

They whine and cry and pout that “It’s not fair. He/she hurt me first.” Well, I feel your pain, sistas and brahs. But um…Please, Do What I Say, Not As I Do.

Here’s my dilemma: When you fuck with someone I love, I turn into a big monster. My sentences become mere profanities strung together, some of them verbs. I threaten violent acts that are grounds for incarceration, possibly the death penalty. Please, I implore, Do. Not. Fuck. With. Someone. I. Love.

So what do I do? What do I do with this anger, with this injustice, this helplessness, this inability to right a wrong? I know the answer is to put things in perspective, work directly and appropriately with the person to address the issue, use kind yet firm words, vent to others, and let it go. I get that. But some days I just want to hold on to my anger and <insert profanities here>. I want to cause that other person a world of hurt to exceed the level of pain he’s thrust onto the people I love. I want to see some suffering, folks. Here is where I truly empathize with my kids.

But I know this attitude is not very kind of me, and holding on to it is not good for me. And it certainly doesn’t help my kids in the long run. So what do I do? I put things in perspective. Assess what I can control, and breathe through what I can’t. Aerate the wine. Make my gratitude list. Pour some wine. Vent to friends and hurl profanities and vague threats to them instead. Pour more wine. Cry. Pour more wine. I’ll let you know if I come up with a better plan. But you can bet the wine stays–and over time I hope the whine goes.

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The Space In Between

Posted on September 10, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

© 2012 Susanna S. Sung

I am going through a little something these days. I’m admitting hard truths. I’m learning to sit in the discomfort of that, and the unfamiliar feelings that come with new behaviors and choices. I am having a hard time with being in the spaces in between. A really hard time. This discomfort sure is uncomfortable. In processing this, I was telling a good friend that I’m trying to be mindful and breathe, and to live in each moment. This is what he said:

“This moment. IS the in between. Learning to be in the moment when its boring or dull or tedious teaches you to live in the middle. Practicing gratitude on the days when life fucking sucks brings you back up into the middle. And when life is great for whatever reason, take a moment and just let it in. We are always in a rush to the next….whatever. It is all illusion. The past does not exist. The future does not exist. Live too much in either and we despair. But come back to the moment, come back to your breath, and you calm down.

So you learn to live in the space in between by practicing being in the space in between, which you do by focusing on your breath. This is also why it’s called a “practice.” And subsequently being with your thoughts, no matter how horrible they are, and then kindly and gently remind yourself  to go back to the breath.  Just like you learn to let go by focusing on your exhalation. It always comes back to the breath. The thoughts lose their power, and with them the illusions of past and future lose their power. It is a unique type of work. And it takes practice.

But the real beauty is when you are able to do it away from the cushion. That’s when you realize there is no sacred space anymore, nothing is sacred because it all is. There are no ordinary moments anymore. Life is now practice.

When you are determined to live, guess what? You Live.”

I have no other words.

Posted in Meditation, Mindfulness | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Put the Hooker Down

Posted on August 27, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

© 2012 Susanna S. Sung

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. So there’s two monks and a woman…

I use a lot of analogies, metaphors, and parables to drive home points. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at it. Most of the time.

A while back I stumbled on a Buddhist parable that resonated with me. It was about letting things go, putting down your baggage, moving on. I’m all about that process–I’m sharing that lesson whenever I can, damnit. When someone had an issue where it seemed best to discuss letting things go, I would proudly and cleverly tell them the story of how the monk would put the prostitute down after carrying her across the river. And I would punctuate the end with something like “Put the hooker down by the river!” Because you know, I’m all smug with my cleverness.

Until one day, someone looked at me quizzically. “What hooker?” he asked.

I patiently explained the story. He patiently let me know there is no prostitute in the story.

Two Monks and a Woman
Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman.
Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across.
One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.
As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!”
“Brother,” the second monk replied, “I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her.”

Damnit. No hooker. Still a good lesson. So I urge you to put the woman down after crossing the river. And it’s never a good idea to keep carrying a hooker. Or picking one up in the first place, for that matter.

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Caution: Hard Hat Area

Posted on August 22, 2012 by bonnevivantelife


This is my life right now. This is ME. Right now! No, not a Chipotle burrito the size of my head. But a construction zone. THIS construction zone. I passed this on my way to a meeting this morning, and I had to stop. I love this. Much to the dismay of my fellow commuters, I stopped in the middle of the street to get this picture. Please pardon my dust, inspiration is building.

Lately I’ve been in a phase of growth and change. It’s all good, but often it’s punctuated by sadness, discomfort, anger. I’ve been distracted, chaotic, abrupt, lost in thought, deep in thought. Trying out new behaviors, new ways of being. But I feel like Pigpen, in the middle of a swirl of dust as I settle into the next iteration of me.

I’m learning to breathe. I’m listening to my gut. I’m learning old instincts don’t need to be my current thoughts or behaviors. I’m acknowledging hard truths. I’m learning to be kinder, to myself and others.

As these renovations are taking place, I am adjusting the original blueprints. To everyone who has crossed paths with me recently, pardon the dust, but inspiration is building.

Posted in Empowerment, Meditation, Mindfulness | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Tilting at Windmills

Posted on August 16, 2012 by bonnevivantelife


“Mommy, I have special news! I want to be a janitor and get a tattoo!” my 6-year-old gushes at me with excitement and conviction. With deadpan sarcasm I ask her if it needs to be in that particular order, and she collapses in tears, inconsolable. She accuses me of not taking her seriously. I roll my eyes, sigh, and think, “Really?”

Later that night it hits me: she’s right. I‘m not taking her seriously. She feels each emotion so thoroughly and passionately. Every. Single. Emotion. I struggle with that. I have a hard time raising her with her stubborn will that does not bend, unless of course, she decides to change her mind. She has very firm beliefs of how the world should be and not be, of what she likes and does not like, what she will tolerate and won’t stand for, and when things will occur in her world. Unfortunately for both of us, her preferences and timeline do not fit well with my calendar, my budget, my lifestyle, or my personality. But hey, I’m the boss, right? Has she NOT gotten that memo yet? I sent it to her 6 years ago.

Call me a slow learner, but I’m beginning to think maybe I’m the one who missed the memo. I say that I love my children unconditionally, as they are. She knows better. She can feel that I wish she was easier to manage, that I wish she was someone else. Someone who I can understand. Please know this: I love her with all my heart and would lay my life down for her. But my God, I do want her to be different.

I want her to stop making her life more difficult. I want her to be more flexible, more patient, more conscientious. Less opinionated, less selfish, less impulsive. Her life would be so much easier. Why, I wonder, oh why, does she have to make everything so much more complicated than it needs to be?

Why? Because when I look at her, I am staring in the mirror. I am a master at exhausting those who love me. I am a hazard to myself and others. I am very skilled at leaving a trail of carnage in my wake. I want to save her from the pains and hurts, bumps and bruises, of the life I stumbled through. I want to save her from being me.

I know I can’t. Intellectually I know I need to let her be herself, and she will learn her lessons in her own way, on her own terms, and she’ll be fine. After all, after spending my life fighting the world, being Don Quixote tilting every windmill, I’ve smoothed out my rough edges (most of them anyway, on most days) and become a respectable human being (admittedly, it depends on who you ask).

She’s teaching me to understand where I end and she begins. Viscerally, not just in my head. She is a patient teacher, giving me the same lesson over and over, day after day, until I get it. I am slowly understanding in my heart that my role is not to save her, but to kiss and hold her tightly when her heart breaks, and to have my eyes light up and share in her dreams, tattoos and all.

Posted in Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The B*tch Is Back

Posted on August 13, 2012 by bonnevivantelife

You’ll undoubtedly notice the blog had been quiet for a year. We’ve always wanted to be smart enough to have jobs where we could take a sabbatical, so let’s just say that we did. We struggled with getting the right tone, perfecting the length of each post, having enough topics to cover. We thought about it, waited for inspiration, thought about it some more. We wrote, edited, deleted, and shoved a lot into the pending folder. We talked about getting the right balance between sharing publicly and maintaining privacy and boundaries. We pondered and waited for Godot.

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life.”–Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW.

Pick up your life. There is never a moment or state of perfection.

We decided to stand up and say this is who we are: we love to write, we love to share our thoughts and inspirations, we love connecting with people. What we bring to the table is good enough. What others think is beyond our control. We will not be held back by fears or concerns of what others may think. We will put down our shields. And that is enough.

So the blog is back. Imperfect. But it’s who we are. It’s authentically imperfect, it’s vulnerable in sharing who we are. We’re looking forward to stumbling along with you.

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Posted in Empowerment | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments